Not so confrontational after all

I didn’t sleep well at all last night. Oh, I was tired enough to fall into bed and start sawing logs straight away, but my mind had other plans for me. Instead of peacefully slumbering, I spent the better part of the two hours before I finally dropped off to sleep tossing and turning, running through a conversation that I was going to have to have this morning and fine-tuning what I was going to say and what I’d say if the other person said this–like what you do when you mentally kick yourself after a confrontation and think of all the great things you should have said. Except here I was doing it fully eight hours previous to the conversation actually happening. Yes, I am fully aware that a) I am a weirdo and b) there are better things in life to worry about and even c) *gasp* there are people out there who don’t worry about small and inconsequential things and that I should try harder to be one of those people.

My conversation actually went really well–for all my stressing there was no confrontation, no real awkwardness and I was actually able to get my point across with no difficulty. The other person even respectfully saw my position and understood where I was coming from.

Having my night ruined by lack of sleep and a few other things going on in my life at work right now made me really think today about fear. Specifically for me, why is fear such a negative motivator in my life. Why do I allow fear (fear of the what-ifs, what-abouts and can’t-deal-if-this-happens) to keep me from going out on a limb and being brave and exciting and if things don’t work out or end badly–oh well and life goes on and I’ve learned a lesson for next time? I’ve always been cautious but in the last few years I’ve gotten to the point where I can seriously see myself eventually becoming one of those people who never wants to leave the house.

I can’t decide which is worse–regret for missed opportunities because I let fear get in the way or living constantly with worry and fear and pulling my world constantly smaller and tighter around me until there’s no more.