Back away slowly from the shopping cart and no one gets hurt

Though I only hit 32 weeks on Tuesday (that’s approximately eight more weeks of pregnant fun for all those playing along at home) tonight I discovered my sure-fire remedy to send me into labor if the little man decides that he doesn’t want to come out at 40 weeks after all–I’m going grocery shopping.

Granted, I currently go grocery shopping once a week with no problems–nary a braxton-hicks let alone a hiccup from the currently gestating little man. No, I think I’m going to save up and make sure that I have to buy a ton of things (all those stock-up things that you seem to run out of at once) making sure that I have to be in the store longer than my current zip-in get everything on the list and zip-out method that has been serving me so well. I’m also going to make sure that I go to what we affectionately like to call the ‘Ghetto Wal-Mart’ to do all this shopping. It’s a regular Super Wal-Mart-however, when compared to the other 2 Super Wal-Marts located within driving distance…well, let’s just say that the Ghetto Wal-Mart doesn’t quite measure up. Just for extra fun? Yeah, I’m going to make sure that I go on the hottest, most humid and overall most uncomfortable day possible. My overall discomfort coupled with the fun that is shopping at the GWM (that’s Ghetto Wal-Mart for short) should send me into labor post-haste, or finally send me over the edge enough to finally have that stroke I feel coming on every time I go to the GWM.

I’m usually so aggravated by the time I leave that my jaw is permanently bolted into clenched lockdown position and other people passing by on my way out cut a wide berth around me because with all the twitching and muttering under my breath, I most likely appear like I’m about t-minus three seconds away from a full-on implosion and they want no part of that action.

Luckily, Chik-fil-a is conveniently located at the edge of the parking lot allowing me to drive though and self-medicate with the grande lemonade and practice my deep breathing in order to clear out the negative experience that is shopping at the GWM. I know I could save myself much grief and aggravation by just driving another 20 minutes to a different Super Wal-Mart, but it’s like a bad habit–I want to quit but I find myself being drawn back time after time with the thought of ‘No, today it will be different. Maybe one of these days, I’ll figure out that it will never be different, at least while I’m doing my grocery shopping at the GWM.