Dear foul fowl friends-

Just a friendly letter to inquire as to why you find it absolutely necessary to perch on the power lines above my car only and see how many times you can play ‘hit the target’ (the target being my car) in a day. I wouldn’t be so upset, except that my husband parks in the same area as I do and you guys only seem to hit his car by accident.

Furthermore, what you leave on my car looks especially gross–like you ate the green hairy lunch meat from the back of the fridge and then decided to leave the bad end result all over my windshield. I wasn’t even aware that birds could produce that shade of yellow/green.

If you could see to ceasing and desisting on my car and instead use the neighbor’s car for your target practice (its red and such a better canvas for your ‘art’), I would really appreciate it and willing to make it worth your while. Peanut Butter Suet shaped bell anyone?

Thanks in advance,

Trena

PS: Aren’t you supposed to fly South for the winter or something? Here’s an update: 32 degrees means it isn’t summertime anymore.

I used to think that I was relatively well mannered. Sure, I might accidentally pass gas or show some inappropriate bra strap while out and about the masses, but usually I can keep it together long enough to act decent and civilized while around people who don’t know me/aren’t related to me/wouldn’t find it endearing to find out first hand that I can burp more loudly than my husband.

However, I think that my recent absence from the world at large has had some negative repercussions on the delicate mannered persona I work so hard to present to the world.

Behold the evidence:

Disturbing Event #1
Place: My living room, Friday night
People in attendence: my husband, my sister in law, Owen and myself
What happened: My sister and law were talking on the couch, while my husband entertained the boy in a chair across the room. Mid-conversation (and granted, it was in my living room and we were discussing how baby farts were neither baby-size in smell nor as endearing as they sound when the baby in question hasn’t pooped for 3 or more days, but still) I felt an itch of a rather…southern personal nature. I then proceeded to just stand up and scratched that itch. Internet, I was appalled mid-scratch when it occured to me exactly what I was doing and in front of whom I was doing it. Oh the shame. This is what happens when you don’t leave your house often enough to interact with other people don’t have to like you just because they’re married to you. Luckily my sister in law either didn’t see what I did or is just nice enough to pretend to hide her disgust at being related through marriage to someone like myself. Luckily my husband didn’t see either, otherwise I would never hear the end of it.

Disturbing Event #2
Place : Church chapel, Sunday Morning Services
People in attendence : only my entire congregation, which is about 200 people
What happened : Right after the opening Hymn, Owen started to get restless in his carseat, so I reached down to get him out and sat him on my lap. As I did this, I had a sudden quick whiff that made me think someone needed a diaper change. It wasn’t so strong though that I was completely sure. When this happens at home, I usually just pick Owen up and sniff at the source of the stench to confirm my suspicions of the need for a diaper change just to make sure he’s not faking me out (hello, my name is Trena and I’m a smeller of butts). Internet, I had him standing up on my lap with my hands under his little armpits thisclose to lifting him up for the sniff test. In.The.Church. In.Front.Of.My.Entire.Congregation. Luckily, the few brain cells that I have left at this point, kicked in and tripped the warning bells in my mind before I actually followed through and I didn’t follow through. I count this more as a near-miss, rather than an all out event, only because I managed to catch myself at the last minute. Which is a good thing, since we are still relatively new in our Congregation and I would like to eventually make friends and to not forever be known as the smeller of small butts.

Internet, I need to stage an intervention for myself. I’ve just become too comfortable with not having to put on a good front for others.

Don’t panic that you are going blind when you get in the shower in the morning and everything suddenly gets blurry. Most likely you just have an enormous eye booger that needs to find a new home, like somewhere not in your eye.

Also, before you start cursing Bloglines because one of your feeds hasn’t shown any updates in quite a while, it helps to realize that you never added it as a feed in the first place and that’s why it won’t update.